05
Sep

It’s Friday, and gambling is good for you

By Godfrey 0 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

 

Also good for you? Publicly displayed chest hair.

Also good for you? Letting the chest hair breathe. Calms the nerves.

 

I don’t gamble, but one thing’s for sure - I’m one hell of a handicapped handicapper. Last week in the Grove I doled out tips to anyone who asked, which is bizarre that they asked in the first place. When I was a pseudo-sportswriter, my buddies saw my position as some sort of peek behind a velvet curtain of bookmaking. But I haven’t studied a depth chart in three years and I never put money on games, so convinced am I of the Lord smiting my bank account. 

So I’m something of an anomaly - a witless idiot savant against the spread too terrified of karma to profit. Whatever the case, I gave out some baseless picks in various states of inebriation last week and ended up 7-2 against the spread. That doesn’t count my advice on Clemson/Bama: “DON’T!” Two complete strangers thanked me by visiting our tent during fourth quarter of the Mississippi State game to shower me with free cigarettes. Some of this shit isn’t all that hard - just because one bored beat writer says FAU could upset Texas in Austin in a notes column in JUNE, you still take 28.

Allow my ego to implode now. Anyway, here’s my picks, which are rock solid (if I don’t put any money down).

Southern Miss (+15.5) at Auburn: Jeff Bower used to have these guys psyched to the gills for road games against the SEC but the problem was having the firepower to compete. USM has a totally unproven spread offense under Orgeron Two, which is OK, because so does Auburn. Tigers win but don’t cover.

Alabama (-28) vs. Tulane: I caught some clip of the Tulane head coach on TV, as the Green Wave was displaced by a hurricane aGAIN and had to practice at Samford. I think the guy was just happy to be on television and gave out a rather pussified vibe that football is just a game, and this puts it all in perspective. So does Nick Saban’s defense, also known to bust levees. Bama stomps that ass, although I’m not sure how SI will top itself next week.

Michigan (-14.5) vs. Miami OH: Remember kids, it’s never cool to pile on the kid who gets picked on, and it’s not in good form to be the last one to punch a beaten-down bully. The Blue are rebuilding, which in some places (like Oxford) would be a banner year. Wolverines cover.

Louisiana-Monroe (+14.5) at Arkansas: Going with the heart and not the head here, because if you believe that Eastern philosophy and the Taoist principle of balance apply to football in the Southern United States (and I do, because I’m a hipster), Petrino’s about to visit the other side of that ying-yang. Risky? Yes, because ULM got blanked on the Plains. But Fayetteville is due to experience the last ten minutes of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” here shortly. Until then, they win but don’t cover.

Duke (+6.5) vs. Northwestern: No logic whatsoever on this one, couldn’t name you five players (or one) involved on the field, but I know the Cuts, and the Cuts is due to piss off a vocal minority of pointlessly bitter Rebels and longing Vols by biting someone in the ass. This is as good as any. Upset special, whatever that really means.

04
Sep

Vanderbilt: Better than you, and losing football games just to prove it

By Godfrey 0 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

 

"You know what Rhodes Scholar does on a post pattern? HE LAYS OUT for it SON!"

"You know what a Rhodes Scholar does on a post pattern, son? HE LAYS OUT FOR IT!"

 

Clay Travis’ Deadspin post highlights a Nashville Scene cover story that ends up being a slightly bitchy, single point excuse for Vanderbilt’s on-field woes.

It’s bizarre to see Vanderbilt getting sports coverage anywhere, even in Music City, where the talk centers on Jacksonville’s running game this Sunday and not tonight’s ESPN game vs South Carolina at home. Whatever the case, the Scene’s story and Travis’ condoling post smack of the kind of envy-coated vitriol we Rebels would usually associate with sorority “pref” round. A circle of grief-stricken freshmen girls bleeding mascara and dignity because a triple-legacy got cut for blowing the a bartender would argue like this.

The short version of The Scene’s argument: Vanderbilt doesn’t win football games because they’re piously defending America’s higher education while the rest of us SEC alumni are immoral simpletons willing to pay mongoloids for campus entertainment.

Just for the record, that’s Vanderbilt - an intellectual haven of cultural elitists at a school initially bankrolled by a merciless robber-baron.

Travis cites the Scene citing (See what I did there? Now I can blame them both) the “Jerrell-Powe-can’t-read-so-your-degree-is-invalid” argument, highlighted by everyone’s favorite quote from PoweMa about illiteracy, and cites the gross difference in GPA and SAT admission standards at Vandy compared to Florida. They’re in the right on Powe, but he’s just the latest in two decades worth of suspect admissions across the SEC and Division 1. Just take a gander at the annual Wonderlic scores. 

Continue reading ‘Vanderbilt: Better than you, and losing football games just to prove it’

04
Sep

Shameless promotion(s)

By Godfrey 0 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

Today marks my glorious second (maybe third?) return to Oxford’s The Local Voice with a polished, cranky tome I managed to produce with TWO references to sex with animals. Given my less than stellar traffic in this blog incarnation’s infancy, chances are if you’re reading this you know exactly what the Voice is. Just humor me for now, in the future I’ll have like tons of fans and shit. 

Also be sure to pick up a copy of the latest Mississippi Sports Magazine, also containing the FDA approved amount of Godfrey-per-publication in Mississippi (it’s the law, damnit). You can check out an update on MSM here as you wait patiently for their site to debut. Hush your mouth and sit quietly.

Here’s a snippet of the TLV column. If you’re too lazy to slog through 500 words, here’s the equivalent to all the good explosions and partial nudity:

In my post-win euphoria I COULD have fired off some quick-witted limerick featuring the Arkansas fan base, Wesley Carrol, Bobby Petrino, two Brazilian prostitutes, an Alpaca in heat and a kiddie pool with three gallons of Aunt Jemima and AstroGlide in a monologue of pure comedic filth doubling as a beastiality how-to that would’ve left that 11-year-old boy suffering cold sweats and a nervous tic every time he came within 50 feet of a petting zoo. 

Continue here.

03
Sep

How bad does the AJC want it to be ‘Cocktail’ time?

By Godfrey 0 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

 

The hard-ass meter: Standing still in Detroit > circumcising in Singapore

The hard-ass meter: Standing still in Detroit > circumcising in Singapore

 

Pretty bad. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution tipped their editorial calendar’s hand on Wednesday by adding the missing ingredient to Saturday’s Georgia/Central Michigan tilt - no, not interest - a little cross-state jawing, November 1 style!

The AJC has declared that a slew of ridiculous stats has earned Chippewa QB Dan LeFevour a mention with Heisman winner Tim Tebow. With quotes like these, UGA has either mastered the form of flattery, or have a cut of ad revenues per ratings:

“His stats are amazing,” Georgia safety Reshad Jones said.

“Really pretty staggering,” Georgia coach Mark Richt said.

Continue reading ‘How bad does the AJC want it to be ‘Cocktail’ time?’

03
Sep

Rage Against The Machine works on Labor Day to protest Republicans working on Labor Day. No arrests, albums made.

By Godfrey 0 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
RATM: Probably just wanted to take the boat out, man. You know... enjoy the 3-Day!  

RATM: Protesting our right to get drunk at the lake for three days. March on, good soldiers.

 

Things Rage Against The Machine could be protesting as “evils of the Republican American Dictatorship” at the GOP Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota:

1) Gas prices.

2) A failing economy. 

3) That whole war thing.

ALL WRONG! That’s what the MAN wants you to think, consumer whores! Instead, guitarist Tom Morello chided the GOP for a far greater sin - clocking in on a three day weekend:

“It’s so insulting, it’s so outrageous for [the Republican Party] to open their convention on Labor Day,” Morello said backstage after playing Monday’s Take Back Labor Day Concert.

Uh…k… I guess that means the average 26-year-old RATM fan who stumbled through his double shift at Ruby Tuesday three days ago is nothing more than a blind GOP drone. (”Hey man - that Honda Civic’s not just gonna grow neon lights under the side panels. Tip shares, brah.”)

Continue reading ‘Rage Against The Machine works on Labor Day to protest Republicans working on Labor Day. No arrests, albums made.’

01
Sep

Sunday Morning Coming Down: Monday Gustav Edition

By Godfrey 0 Comments
Categories: Random

Rebs 41, Tigers 24: No need for a long-winded analysis. I’ll leave that up to the more dedicated youth of the Rebel blogosphere and just say that I’m completely content with an offense that can put up 41 on a non-con, non-BCS opponent and an undersized secondary helplessly wandering about.

Scoring at will and getting gashed deep - It’s all so Oxford circa 2003, when Svengali trial lawyers bribed judges with impunity, people smoked indoors PUBLICLY, and my hair was 1/8th of an inch less receded than today. Heady times.

Yet unlike those halcyon days, the Rebels were able to outlast Memphis in the series’ finale, which comes after to back-to-back upset years in ‘03-’04 that caused enough propaganda to incite the Commercial Appeal and the greater Shelby County area to start using the word “rivalry,” despite a “historic” and “close fought” all time record of 46-10-2 in favor of Ole Miss.

Looking forward, the CL is the first to rain on the parade (hahaha Hurricane lolz!) by mentioning that next week’s tilt at Wake Forest could be a wet affair. Since 41 points allows for enough Kool-Aid to last the Labor Day weekend, I’ll gleefully point out that this can (of course) only serve to help the Rebels, as windy conditions could possibly slow down Riley Skinner and emphasize the run, in which case BRANDON BOLDEN THE RUNNING BACK (heretofore to never be reference with lower case letters) will politely remind your linebacker that he’s the Juggernaut, bitch.

28
Aug

It just happened.

By Godfrey 0 Comments
Categories: Random

HD Sentry, thy name is Baylor.

With one ADD-addled flick of the remote, the 2008 football season has begun. In the Godfrey household it’s less to do with a “kickoff” game and more to do with that wonderful symptom of gajillion-channel bandwith - flipping over from one game in progress to another, as if a benevolent spirit is helping me transverse time and space to peer in on a better world. ”Humbug the Crachet household, spirit! Show me tonight’s doings in Corvallis!”

Information overload. Pointless, simultaneous vouyerism of multiple games that mean nothing, yet on a Thursday night in August, mean EVERYTHING.

For the record, it was a combo NFL Preseason game (Titans at Packers) and Wake Forest at Baylor, a delicious intra-conference appetizer for America - upstart ACC programs have a tangy flavor but won’t fill you up - but a foreboding message for the alma mater, heading to Winston-Salem in Week 2.

Bad thoughts later. For now we rejoice, simply at the presence of our game’s return. An unspoken wave of relief washed over both myself and Computer Charlie, our unspoken hetero-roommate bond silently strengthened by sheer virtue of a college football game in 1080i. (Although if we don’t get off this pro-preseason Titans circle-jerk I might have to bludgeon the man with whatever is available… looks like those sconces were sexually questionably and a health hazard…)

Oh, and the initial Rebel reaction to the Demon Deacons? Wake Forest: Still good. Non-conference scheduling: Still cursed.

26
Aug

Tailgating fashion that’s both breathable and embarrassing

By Godfrey 0 Comments
Categories: Random
Ready to tailgate, if tailgating was a Janet Jackson video.

Ready to tailgate, if tailgating was a Janet Jackson video.

Some folks are celebrating the eve of a new college football season with fancy new purchases.

Me too.

But instead of, say, a replacement flask, a new collapsible tailgating chair or some form of barbeque that could flash-broil unsuspecting neighborhood children, I volunteered a collective questioning of my sexuality in the name of a ventilated crotch.

I now own linen pants.

Continue reading ‘Tailgating fashion that’s both breathable and embarrassing’

24
Aug

Godfrey Talks To God: A Preseason Sabbath.

By Godfrey 1 Comment
Categories: Random

“Godfrey Talks To God” will be a recurring feature in The Local Voice starting in September. Until then, here’s a football-centric taste of what’s to come. That sound you hear is the ire of Kirk Cameron being drawn…

Me: Ah, my savior. How’s it hanging? By the way, ‘big ups’ for the lack of humidity in August.

God, Allah, Yaweh, Etc.: It’s been nice hasn’t it?  It’s part of my master plan of delivering false hope to Ole Miss football fans.  When the temp is triple digits next weekend, all your beer has been poured out before you even reach the Grove, your date is on the rag, and Memphis’s JUCO transfer quarterback removes a latex mask to reveal that he’s Tim Tebow’s Satan loving, missionary work eschewing evil twin, you’ll know the plan is in full effect.

Me: Ha! Not so fast, my creator - you tipped your hand with Greg Hardy’s broken foot. I’m no religious expert (Methodists are so vanilla they confuse spiritual fulfillment with the euphoria of a sale at Linens and Things) but I know an omen when I see one. Positive prognosis or not, that’s a spot-on sign of doom. No need for your classic calling cards - a swarm of locusts, rain of fire or plaid Croakies - I know a bad thing when I see it.

G.A.Y., Etc.: Hardy’s injury is a separate issue stemming from a deal he made to get rid of a scorching case of herpes back in the Spring, but nice conjecture.  My point is this.  Do not ever try and make heads or tails of my logic.  My heavy handed and constant smack down of the hubris filled and Ralph Lauren-clad Ole Miss fan base is an enigma.    It is as arbitrary, awe-inspiring, maniacal and ruthless as the Oxford Police Department’s enforcement of local DUI law.

Possibly God.

Possibly God.

Undeniably Me, drunk, holding a purse

Undeniably Me, drunk, holding a purse

Me: Noted. The plight of a tall man shopping for dress pants is proof positive of your schizoid blessing-curses (blurses?). So I take it that this - the FINAL game with Memphis on the football schedule - will be true to recent form? In a way, I’m at peace with that. The fact last year’s team opened their season up 23-0 on the road versus anyone other than the Hiroshima School for the Pediatric Deformed is mind-blowing. Almost as mind-blowing as Ed Orgeron’s 3-0 record against, versus Cutcliffe’s 0-2 bow before getting canned.

G.A.Y., Etc.: You want mind blowing?  Try these ass-less chaps on for size.  The two individuals that are vying for the title of “President of the United States” have a good chance of being fed a catered meal that includes a Chicken-On-A-Stick five weeks from now.  Has this sunk into your wrestling imbued brain yet?  Do you think TLV could issue the two of us media credentials for this little soiree? More importantly, what are the chances of Chris Matthews getting his ass kicked by two KA’s in Rebel flag t-shirts outside The Levee during debate week? Continue reading ‘Godfrey Talks To God: A Preseason Sabbath.’