LSU Hate-Capades Update: We now have a penis trophy…
….which, ironically, is followed a week later by an Egg Bowl. Hey, puns prevent weeping.
“LSU HATE-Capades 2008″ takes a sudden, sharp (make that phallic) turn for the worse as the aforementioned “Magnolia Bowl” trophy has made its photographic debut.
I can go two ways on this:
The usual Klonopin-induced answer. (What’s that? You’re an Ole Miss football fan and you aren’t on Klonopin? Xanax? Nothing? Wow.): “So yeah, I guess I can see what they were going for, and it certainly captured the elegance of the bloom..”
The rare, completely sober, manic and therefore inherently “true” answer: “WHY, LORD, WHY? WHY DOES OLE MISS FUCK UP ANYTHING IT TOUCHES? WE JUST TOOK ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF FOOTBALL HISTORY AND PAINTED A COCK ON IT!!!!!”
We knew leaving this to the hands of student government officials would result in disaster. Let someone else get a “P.C.U.”-esque prank of a trophy – this a storied SEC rivalry and should be fawned over with equatable pomp and circumstance. I’m all for a “schlong bowl” between two directional schools in the Sun Belt, because they exist solely for our amusement (and to beat Alabama once every ten years).
I’ve cobbled together dialogue from secret sources direct from the closed-door meeting that took a generations-spanning, life or death rivalry game and deemed its grandest reward to be a youth soccer trophy shaved into a fiberboard dildo :
Ole Miss official: “Hey, I’ve got a grand idea! Let’s name one of the South’s greatest college football rivalries after a near-century of title-less yet epic football games!”
LSU official: “Grand idea! If my hands weren’t webbed I’d give you a hearty thumbs up for such a logical move!”
Ole Miss official: “What shape would you reckon the trophy should be?”
LSU: official: Hmmm. “That’s a tough one.”
Ole Miss official: “I’m not sure either. The name is ‘The Magnolia Bowl,’ but it almost seems too logical to just to develop a crystalline Magnolia flower. Besides, we’re Ole Miss and we need to get this done on the cheap.”
LSU official: “Agreed. Besides, among LSU fans we’re a little tentative to use crystal, glass or anything that couldn’t be used in an impromptu game of cornhole at a parking lot tailgate around 2 a.m.”
(a pause)
LSU official: “Wait, I’ve got it!”
Ole Miss official: “So do I!”
Both officials, simultaneously: “HOW ABOUT A LARGE, THROBBING WOODEN PENIS MID-EJACULATE?”
….Slap its hearty shaft, inform the proud parents and check the time of birth – Ladies and Gentlemen, Penis/Weiner/Cock Bowl 1 has arrived.
One of your best posts ever. Congrats, Godfrey.
By the way, it should be pointed out that the LSU student government came up with the idea and some senior art major at LSU designed and created the Cock Statue.
Why do I have a feeling this is all an elaborate ruse on the part of LSU and we’re about to be “punk’d”? Think about it…They came up with naming the game, THEY decided to do a trophy, and it was one of THEIR students that designed the trophy? Yeah, lull us into a sense of comraderie within rivalry, throw the game (since their season is sorta blown anyway), and trick us into accepting a giant ejaculating penis! It’s the ULTIMATE “fuck you Ole Miss,” and they’re even providing the dildo!
*note: in spite of the username I’m an Ole Miss fan and alum