It’s not us. It’s 100 percent definitely you.
Last week our associate A.D. politely informed the press that the reason we’re leaving you is that the series has grown “monotonous.” That kind of mealy-mouthing would be perfect for a new line of Hallmark “Gentle Rejections” greeting cards: Your gameday facilities are “rustic.” Your 200 fans are “colorful.” The “community leader” offering “parking insurance” on our cars is “helpful,” and he’s not holding us at knifepoint – he’s simply being “entrepreneurial.”
Fuck semantic pleasantries. Everything about Memphis State football is the south side of the shits. We’d rather shut down our entire program than subject our fans and players to sweating out another hollow non-conference win while surviving a city that “The Wire” wouldn’t film in. Read: YOU MAKE BALTIMORE DESIRABLE.
It’s impossible ignore the litany reasons we’re kicking your D-list asses to the curb:
Lack of consortium. This entire series couldn’t have had less romance than if we’d been traded for three goats by your father in a Jakarta market. You lazy shits couldn’t hold up your end of the bargain when it comes to arousing the fans – Sunday’s game counted a pithy 45,000 in attendance, most of which we brought. There are HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of people in your city! How can you not effectively market college football in Tennessee?? Has your program become that obsolete? Just put up signs saying “WOULD LOVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR HIP HOP DEMO. BRING $50 TO LIBERTY BOWL SUNDAY” They’ll be teeming, trust me.
Spousal indignities. Never mind the fact we’ve been forced to sub-contract Blackwater away from their Middle Eastern genocide just to provide cover fire for our fans entering and exiting the parking lot. The entire Liberty Bowl experience – from the time you hastily accelerate down Poplar Avenue after exiting I-240, to when the local constable kindly helps you remove your vehicle from cinder blocks after the game – is a bad afternoon in Beirut. Once inside the Liberty Bowl you’ll be treated to the finest gameday technology 1972 has to offer. Sunday’s game didn’t even have FUCKING INTERNET ACCESS FOR THE MEDIA. Don’t worry though, the telefax apparatus is working swell and there’s still plenty of famous barbecue! Just what 45 fat white men need!
Theft. Admit it, the thing you’re most upset about is losing our money. Just say it: “Please come back and buy 20,000 more $50 tickets, because we’re going to have a fuck of a time paying the bills from the gates for Marshall and Tulsa!” You charged $50 a ticket for the Ole Miss game and $90 for the ENTIRE SEASON TICKET PACKAGE. How do you look yourselves in the mirror at C-USA Media Day and tell America that your “conference rivalry” game with Central Florida is quality football? “We’re confident that this conference title game is 1/16th as valuable as losing by 31 points in September! Tune in!”
Don’t worry, because you’ve got plenty of your friends around to blame this whole thing on us. In fact, as you’re reading this, some member of your city’s fair media – the kind of starry-eyed, fuckheaded idealist largely responsible for the print media’s raging barn fire of a decline will print that the end of the Ole Miss / Memphis football series is a “darn shame” and that the “big money” Rebel administrators should “put their ego aside” and “keep this great tradition alive” and “rabble rabble local civil rights colloquialism rabble!”
But make no mistake, that’s just your fat ugly friends telling you how great we were together, when in reality we were nothing more than a loveless union defined by convenience screw that turned into a prison sentence. Fuck your crooked ex-hoops coach – as soon as we could chew through our own legs to get out of these shackles, we did. His ringing non-endorsement was just icing, believe me.
What’s that, message board crusader? Well TigerFanBaller2k9, I don’t give a sweet fuck that Eli Manning couldn’t solve Joe Lee Dunn’s 3-3-5 in 2003. I don’t care that you won back-to-back games against us this decade or that you held us to 17 points through three quarters on Sunday. Don’t give me any shit about 2003 or 2004 as evidence that this “rivalry” bears any kind of on-field balance, because I can counter all those arguments and more with the greatest single insult you could extol on a coaching staff in the modern era of this beloved fucking sport:
YOU LOST TO ED ORGERON THREE TIMES.
You should either be given the death penalty or be eligible for federal funding after that, because Jesus in heaven, Memphis State – No other program in college football did that. Even Wyoming solved that man’s staggering genius and decoded his baffling riddle of a gameplan.
Keep your fans in the divorce. We sure as shit don’t want ‘em. For ten years it’s been like having to put on a good face and play host to 10,000 disgruntled Turtles from “Entourage” every other season, when all you really want to do is shave off that little jawline wanksta beard with the bottom of a combat boot and throw what’s left of the carcass into a military school – and not the scared-straight “Maury Povich” kind. The bad kind we saw in “Sleepers.”
Showing hospitality to you people during the Oxford years has been “exercise in manners” the way that Nazi death camps were an “exercise in patience.” But even that couldn’t outdo the COLORFUL FUN of the Liberty Bowl years – sharing a parking lot with half of “Vibe’s” white subscribers was a hoot (p.s., your airbrushed MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK t-shirt can’t be oversized and sleeveless. You have to pick one economically disadvantaged fashion movement and stick with it). We’d just assume to never again endure anyone willing to tailgate in the rotting husk of an amusement park with a warm case of Natty Light and Slipknot pumping from the speakers of a Pontiac Vibe, doing whippets in public before you stagger up to scare our children and ramblingly tout the gamesmanship of Tommy Fucking West.
TOMMY FUCKING WEST. Before you go shining that MagicJack Bowl Trophy, remember that for all his witticisms about “breaking down the fence” Ole Miss recruiting put up in Memphis, don’t forget for a second that your beloved TOMMY FUCKING WEST is responsible for a 40 percent increase in the city’s felony conviction rate solely from his “second chances, open hearts” recruiting philosophy. He’s also such an “innovator” and “risk taker” that he stays in a shotgun on 4th and 1 against the best defensive line in the country’s best conference just to pull his cock out. Here’s a non drug-induced conversion strategy: Don’t willingly back up your ball carrier before the snap, asshole. And lastly, this blowhard would’ve executed you all on site if we would’ve returned one his 200 phone calls when David Cutcliffe was fired.
It’s over, Memphis State, and we could not be happier. Now we can start sleeping with your hotter conference cousin Tulane, the one that’s way more fun to visit and far less alarming to play against in a city that’s (marginally) less violent. Good luck, and if Craig Brewer ever adapts Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road,” we’ll be sure to keep a look out for you on a wide shot of naked catamites.
Photo HT: Mr. Lord Weird Slough Feg
Wow. That’s off the charts!
Shouldn’t Ole Miss feel like Daniel Plainview at the end of “There Will be Blood” when he’s verbally torturing the preacher who comes looking for money. If Memphis wants our money we should make Tommy West stand up and shout, “I’m a false profit and there is not god.”
Hahahahaha the best post I have seen in a long time, and as sad as it is most all of it is correct! Keep talkin shit because it seems like your the best at it. Peace Memphis “rivalry”
The Wayne’s World video says it almost as well as you did, Godfrey.
Very well played sir.
Have fun bottom feeding the SEC without Snead next year. Its amazing the arrogance of one supposedly hyped good year , considering the school itself hasn’t won anything in the SEC in 35 years. Good job.
Hip hop demos? Glad to see racism still thriving at Mississippi U. Your student section throws glass whiskey bottles at other teams players and fans. Face it, you make Birmingham look civilized.
That’s my favorite scene from Wayne’s World.
@Boss Crump
Last time I checked, University of Memphis was the one who was getting sued for millions by one of their own professors for racism. Nice try though.
@Boss Crump
Oh, and one more for the record:
White fraternity in Memphis shut down after racial incident led up to interracial brawl. (Kappa Alpha fraternity at the Univ of Memphis, TN)
Jet | October 9, 1995 | Copyright
Then national Kappa Alpha fraternity recently shut down its chapter at the University of Memphis following a weekend brawl in which blows and racial slurs were exchanged as well.
Members of the all-White Kappa Alpha fraternity reportedly got into a fight with three junior transfer baseball players–one White and two Black. Members of Kappa Alpha allegedly called the Black players “nigger” and the White player a “nigger lover.”
University officials are continuing to investigate the incident, which touched off days of protests, boycotts and a sit-in by the local …
The professor is an idiot who’s using his race for a pay raise. And how fitting that a “Rebel” would bring up an article nearly FIFTEEN years old. You guys do love your history. Shame you also love binge drinking and running over kids on game day. I assure you, Memphis won’t miss your money. Keep slinging those whiskey bottles confederates.
@Boss Crump
So now you’re calling the black professor an “idiot”? Nice. Please forgive me, I didn’t realize racism ended at Memphis sometime in the last 15 years. For the record, what year did it end? 1998? 2002? 2008? Your boy above me started posting “35 years” so I was just following his lead w/ the history – you guys seem to like it too. Here’s another little history fact for you: 45-14. Keep slinging those mad-dog 20/20 bottles, loser. The KA’s will rise again.
@Boss Crump
Yes we love binge drinking.
And by “kids” I assume you mean that collection of pussies on the field wearing Memphis gear for the last play of the game, because anybody with a pair of balls and a desire to not get embarrassed on national tv would have stopped that run. So in that context yes, we thoroughly enjoy running over kids on gameday.
Your not racist at all are you Ole Miss fans… Oh wait whats this?
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,296915,00.html
This isn’t racist either is it?
In 2001, the university suspended the fraternity because two members appeared in an Internet-posted photograph showing a man dressed as a police officer holding a gun to a man in black face pretending to pick cotton.
Not to mention this CLASS FILLED article here… It SCREAMS CLASS!!
Lets not forget blacks were not even allowed in fraternities until 1988
http://www.nytimes.com/1988/10/16/us/fraternity-row-integrated-at-ole-miss.html
and we all know what happened that same year… for those of you who DON’T know… It’s right here…
http://articles.latimes.com/1988-08-04/news/mn-10464_1_fraternity-house
You wonder why God does things like this to you…
http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1310&dat=20040828&id=CVoUAAAAIBAJ&sjid=kOsDAAAAIBAJ&pg=6906,6235942
You want to run your mouth fine… But remember your no better than us… You are the turds of the SEC… Next to Vandy and State your the worst… You never do anything … As soon as your hated “Coach O” players are gone… you will be reduced back to alcoholics that … In the words of Rebel fans… “We don’t always win the game… But we always win the party”
So talk all you would like about our less privileged population who don’t have trust funds to wait for… Continue to hate black people… Judgment day will meet every single one of you…
Racist…
Game, set, and Match!
You guys have a really good team this year.
Too bad you have to ruin it with bad sportsmanship.
@God
Leave it to a Memphis fan to post under the name “God”. You guys are the epitome of a NCAA bottom feeder (note I didn’t limit it to a conference) but you still think you’re above everyone. You guys cheated (twice) and got caught (how’s that 0-38 season treating you?). Two stripped final fours and you think you’re Duke, North Carolina, Texas, Florida, etc. The only thing you guys got to hang your hat on is two stripped final fours, a win over UT back when Bill Clinton was President (and still talk about it like it was last week), and a 2 game win streak over Ole Miss earlier this decade. Funny how that works – you like to talk about how bad Ole Miss is but you love to bring up that 2 game run like you just beat Southern Cal. If it’s true we’re a bottom feeder w/ Vandy and MSU, what’s that say about your sorry team that can’t beat us?!? Once again, you guys have got nothing but a couple of scandalous basketball seasons to fall back on – and that goes back for 150 years. God, it’s gotta suck being you.
Racism at Memphis State? Never … http://www.bvblackspin.com/2009/08/29/Larry-moore-university-of-memphis/
http://tri-statedefenderonline.com/articlelive/articles/4116/1/br-True-or-false-The-University-of-Memphis-discriminates/Page1.html
Oh, and God, while you and the other Memphis fans continue to hate black people, this kinda stuff has the tendency to happen on your campus: http://i.abcnews.com/US/Story?id=3673994&page=1
Keep throwing those rocks in that glass house, RACIST! By the way, do you rent your glass house from the city of Memphis too or do you have your own?
I’d suggest going back to memphistiger.org and CRY w/ everyone else about how you don’t have any money to compete, how coach Cal cheats (oh, the irony there), when you’re gonna quit renting and build your on campus stadium and basketball arena, and your big “key game” against MTSU this weekend. Yeah, I said “key game” against MTSU. Straight from your own board. Good luck there – you’re gonna need it. You’ve got plenty to cry and worry about over there to be wasting your time here. Racist.
45-14.
48-10-2
Those numbers ring any bells?
@Geosnooker2000
In all honesty, I think Memphis will do pretty well this year – maybe 9-10 wins. Too bad your fans have ruined it by showing just as much poor sportsmanship. I suppose if I’d lost to a team as many times as you have to us, I’d hate us too.
Game, set, and MATCH!
I love how nobody is saying anything to God…
@JROD
Nobody hates you… We hate articles like this one you post… talking as bad as possible about us and our fans… It’s ok we know your all talk .. You get on your internet sites and run your Trust fund mouths… Funny thing is we KNOW we aren’t that good… But you insist on telling us over and over and over again year after year after year and then boast when you beat us? Like you didn’t think you were going to in the 1st place? Think what you want, but this article is classless and vulgar and your school should be embarrassed that someone would post this. In fact the entire SEC conference should be shamed for someone posting something this crude. This guy says game set match… Go play your tennis, with Buffy at the country club… but stop running your mouth about Memphis and it’s underprivileged. Not everyone can come from wealth.
Actually, I agree w/ you. Godfrey’s article showed poor taste. I’m embarrassed over his language in the article and if I had the power, I’d delete it for him. The thing is, both schools stereotype the other and try to use it as a means to put the other down. I posted what I posted to prove just that – both schools have their dark sides that we’d all like to put to rest.
So your guy can say game set match but when I throw the quote back in his face all of a sudden I become a trust fund wealthy kid? Unless your boy makes less than $15 an hour, which is what I make, I’d be willing to bet it’s more likely he’s a member of some sort of country club before me. Once again, we have a stereotype being thrown around by a Memphis fan. Maybe Geosnooker will let you play a few rounds w/ him over at Southwind since you two are buddies now.
@JROD
HHHHHuuuuuuuuuu…. Once again read my post… I NEVER SAID WE WERE BETTER THAN YOU FOR THE LOVE OF MYSELF!!! HERE IS MY LAST POST THAT WAS TO YOU!!!
Nobody hates you… We hate articles like this one you post… talking as bad as possible about us and our fans… It’s ok we know your all talk .. You get on your internet sites and run your Trust fund mouths… Funny thing is we KNOW we aren’t that good… But you insist on telling us over and over and over again year after year after year and then boast when you beat us? Like you didn’t think you were going to in the 1st place? Think what you want, but this article is classless and vulgar and your school should be embarrassed that someone would post this. In fact the entire SEC conference should be shamed for someone posting something this crude. This guy says game set match… Go play your tennis, with Buffy at the country club… but stop running your mouth about Memphis and it’s underprivileged. Not everyone can come from wealth.
Please take you last comment and revise it now… Oh yeah and tell your Daddy thanks for buying you a house… I know he did cause I’m God…
@God
Actually, I rent. As usual you’ve got nothing but epic fail.
@JROD
I don’t hate you. I hate that vile crap in that article. But I’m sure the University of Mississippi doesn’t condone that sort of language in connection with it’s school. And what’s more, I don’t care if you are a member of a country club or not. I hope you are. Someone’s gotta be. People need to chill.
PS. We do still have a F4 that wasn’t vacated from ‘73. Just to set the record straight, and all.