COMRADE TYLER IS SLIGHTLY SKEPTICAL

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BEHOLD THE WORD OF THE PEOPLES UNIVERSITY, YOU RED DEVIL PROPRIETORS OF FREE MARKET TRADE AND TAILGATING

THE WESTERN WORLD CLAMORED FOR OFFENSE. THE PEOPLES UNIVERSITY DELIVERED. THE DETAILS OF EXACTLY WHO GAINED POINTS AND YARDAGE IS INSIGNIFICANT TO THE CAUSE AND WILL BE TREATED AS INSUBORDINATION.

HAIL COMRADE MULLEN

(ALSO, PLEASE HELP CHEER UP COMRADE TYLER)

COMRADE TYLER:

I can tell a lot about how Mississippi State is playing by the texts that go through my phone during a game. Whether it be from my Bulldogs-obsessed brother or “friends” from Ole Miss giving me my weekly dose of crap, it’s a good indicator on how things are going. It’s like the politically incorrect commentary Andre Ware wants to say during the early SEC game. Long story short, I got of negative texts during Mississippi State-Auburn.

From: State fan, Received: 5:28 pm
“MAROOOON!!1!!”
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I went into the game cautiously optimistic at our chances. Mississippi State was playing a Tiger team with just as many question marks as the Bulldogs. After throwing for 255 yards and two touchdowns against a solid La. Tech team, is quarterback Chris Todd for real? How will the Tigers defense look against our new spread scheme? Wait, who is Gene Chizik again?…The guy that won five games in two years?
This was also Dan Mullen’s first real test as a head coach. I was curious to see how he would react against real competition. Was that fireworks show against Jackson State for real? How will Chris Relf look against 90,000 people that want to see him fail? If we win this, there are four more wins on our schedule for a bowl, right? Ha! Before you know it, Auburn is up 14-0 at the end of the first quarter. And as Mississippi State gave up more chunk of yards after each play, I posed another question – “What the hell is wrong with our defense?”

From: Cousin, Received: 6:17 pm
“great. thats the state team i know and love”
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This game also marked the ballyhooed return of Anthony Dixon. After serving a one game suspension for his DUI arrest over the summer, the senior running back was eager to make his mark. He showed little signs of rust as he fought for 92 yards and one touchdown on 20 carries. Kudos also goes out to the special teams and the offensive line. The punt block squad channeled the 1999 Bulldogs and the offensive line was quite serviceable.
While the running game showed up, Chris Relf turned into…well, Chris Relf. Gone was THE BLACK TIM TEBOW (via slickdawg of sixpackspeak.com fame) from the Jackson State game. The junior made numerous mistakes as mechanical flaws caused him to be inconsistent in the accuracy department and he struggled getting through his progressions. “I thought he was very erratic in throwing the football,” Mullen told reporters on Monday. “He never threw the ball the same twice in a row. He had no form to his throw. He’d just grab it and throw it however he was. Chris has really worked hard to learn his game.”

The quarterback situation is so poor that when Relf took a little too long to get up after a hit, I felt my heart slide down to my stomach. Tyler “The Savior” Russell…future Mississippi State commit Cam Newton…I’m looking at y’all.
From: State fan, Received: 7:42 pm
“Oh god i hope Relf, our ‘best’ qb, isn’t hurt bad…i can’t believe i just typed relf is our best guy…thanks croom”
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As the game drug on, Mississippi State’s defense looked beat. Even though we don’t have any depth, it didn’t matter as our starters couldn’t lock down the running backs and were consistently out of place. And don’t get me started on the scheme. Auburn perfectly executed against defensive coordinator Carl Torbush’s 3-3-5 “attack.” The line wasn’t able to get pressure, the linebackers couldn’t seem to wrap up and the secondary played like dog shit.
Before you could blink, State’s short-lived 17-14 lead evaporated into a 42-17 embarrassment by the end of the third quarter. At the game’s close, the Tigers rushed for an astounding 390 yards. Cadillac Williams and Ronnie Brown (who both probably ran for a combined 893 yards against Mississippi State in 2004) approved of the showing.

From: Ole Miss fan, Received: 8:39pm
“I know the Rebs are ravaged by the swine flu but your defense looks tuuurrible. Are yall sick too? Did your DBs lick the door knobs at the Ole Miss indoor practice facility?”

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So how do we solve this? Sadly, Mississippi State has to let this run its course. Only time will tell if Torbush can correct his mistakes and adjust to the opposition. At least he is acknowledging the problem and shouldering the blame. “We didn’t do as good a job of coaching as I would have liked,” the defensive coordinator said. Otherwise, we would have played better. That’s my responsibility.”
Also, Mullen has to do his best Ed Orgeron impression on the recruiting trail (sans wrestling grandmothers after showing pamphlets on the academic center) and bring in quality players. Mississippi State enters each SEC match up handcuffed due to lack of talent and speed. Though the majority of the roster needs an overhaul, the defensive backs are sorely missing those impact players of yesteryear. And I know they got what they deserved but cornerbacks Anthony Johnson and Maurice Langston would look really good right now. For now, we are going to have to make do with what we got.
From: Brother, Received: 10:54 pm
“im drunk.Ou r secondary loked like shit. im gonna become a southern mis fan. FML”

To: Brother, Sent: 10:57 pm
“We are…MState”