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Posts Tagged ‘Ole Piss Webels’

Understanding the NCAA APR and how it can help you hate the Yeti even more

May 5th, 2009

Bear in mind that everything you’re about to read hinges on the recounting of comments by a college football coach at an alumni chapter meeting by a fan on the Internet. BBC fact checked, this thing ain’t.

According to multiple internet reports (again, big canary-yellow caution flags a-wavin’) Houston Nutt told a crowd at the Lee County (Tupelo) Ole Miss Alumni Chapter that the Rebels would lose three scholarships for football next year because of academic performance related to the NCAA’s Academic Progress Rate (APR) system, which calculates a score of academic performance among specific teams at universities.

The factor that most affects a team’s APR is a student athlete who fails or leaves the program without graduating. You can read more about the NCAA APR here, but it boils down to this:

1) Every scholarship athlete can earn up to two points. One for simply remaining enrolled each year and one for being academically eligible. Eligibility is passing a minimum of six hours a semester and completing 20 percent of degree coursework a year. Take it from someone academically dismissed from Ole Miss twice – it takes special effort to become un-enrolled.

2) Take the total points earned by the team and divide it by the total possible points. Now multiply by 1000, and look for your punishment here:

Every Division I sports team calculates its APR each academic year, based on the eligibility, retention and graduation of each scholarship student-athlete. An APR of 925 projects to an NCAA Graduation Success Rate of approximately 60 percent.

Teams that score below 925 and have a student leave school academically ineligible can lose up to 10 percent of their scholarships. Known as immediate penalties, these scholarships can be lost each year and not awarded until the following year. Teams can also be subject to historical penalties for poor academic performance over time.

In the 2008 NCAA APR Report, released in May of last year, Ole Miss’ football program had a 931 “multi-year” APR, ranging over four academic years. For perspective, Vanderbilt had a 959 in the same span, meaning we couldn’t beat a bunch of white prep school linebackers and two-star receivers in the classroom OR on the field.

It would seem (again, this is knee-jerk research in response to Internet based rumors) that three years of the Cajun Yeti’s attempts to jam in as many academically questionable four-and-five-star recruits as possible has finally taken its toll on the Rebel football program, albeit posthumously for that regime.

For every un-learned blue chip that was successfully wedged in – Jerrell Powe being the obvious example – there’s a litany of cast offs and quitters in the Cajun Yeti’s wake. Granted, some of the academic busts and discipline problems were brought in under David Cutcliffe (linebacker Garry Pack), but the large majority were The Yeti’s attempt at quick-fixing his depth chart needs.

Quentin Taylor, Rory Johnson, Reterio Brown, Rob Russell… those are the first few names I can rattle off. There are plenty more, but until someone with four hours on their hands and a NCAA rolodex wants to put in the due dilligence to confirm Ole Miss’ APR slide and finger a culprit, I’ll abstain from organizing a public lynching.

Although I’m scouting some five-star hickorys for a certain Sham Shrimper.

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DIRTY LAND BIRD SHARK! NICKNAME OVERFLOW!

April 28th, 2009

I’ve never had a favorite player from my college team drafted by my favorite pro team – in the first round no less – so to make things official (and in the painful absence of former my former Falcon favorite Keith Brooking), I’m naming Peria Jerry, known affectionately in the small town of Oxford, Mississippi, as LANDSHARK: ALPHA, my favorite player in the NFL.

Why? Because his mom put him through school painting handles on coffins and slinging pie at the Western Sizzlin’ in Panola County.

Why? Because he looks like a big teddy bear that’s capable of eating your dog or saving your child from a bobcat (purely depending on his mood),

But really, why? Because he’s personally responsibly for escalating overtime hours in the LSU sanitation department, as workers toiled well into the 2008 Thanksgiving holiday sifting pieces of Andrew Hatch out of the Death Valley grass last November.

Don’t worry. It was a good death:

What must the sprawling Fulton County metropolis – one of the country’s largest cities not touching water – must learn to fear? LANDSHARKS. THEY CANT EAT YOU ON LAND, TOO. So that probably includes Highway 400, bitch.

The next time an inebriated Hispanic drug mule cuts you off on I-85 by riding the shoulder to work? LANDSHARK. Who can finally quell the endless lust of urban planners from pillaging the beauty of north Georgia to install an endless sea of coffee bars and tract housing? LANDSHARK CAN (he holds political leanings similar to Captain Planet but without the green flat top and unnecessary codpiece).

On Monday the Falcons celebrated the signing of LANDSHARK: ALPHA MODEL by picking up fresh chum to appease JerryShark’s blood lust until September. Chew the bangs carefully, son – they’re thicker than bone.

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Prayer Circle: Andrew Harris

April 11th, 2009

Prayers Needed.

Lord,

During this time of remembrance for your only son’s death for our sins and ascension to Heaven, we neither question your ways nor choose to think in detail about your actions. Especially this time.

Lord, we lift up your son Andrew Harris. May you watch over him in this time of unspeakable tragedy. May you guide your healing hands over him, especially in the crotch-al areas, and take away his pain (if even you have the power to assuage such flaming, burning, searing pain, the kind of which makes us beg for sweet sweet death…).

God, we neither choose to second-guess your motives nor what one might perceive as a “critical structural weakness” in the architecture of the children created in your image… your image, granted, although we have to assume your balls have some sort of Death Star style deflector shields, while the rest of us mortals stand helpless to defend a well-timed flick, a sudden rubbing against a zipper whilst going commando or even a stiff breeze…

Sorry Lord. Forgive us for the questions we pose in the face of your Almighty plan.

From Clarion-Ledger Ole Miss beat writer David Brandt:

OXFORD – In today’s post-scrimmage meeting with Ole Miss coach Houston Nutt, reporters were asking some of the usual questions when somebody asked “Where was (receiver) Andrew Harris today?” Nutt paused for a second, squinted his eyes, and said two words that will make every man on Earth wince: “Ruptured testicle.”

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Get your OLEMISS Today!

March 7th, 2009

In the spirit of SCREAMING pitchman Billy Mays – who isn’t dead but is likely an android or at least animatronic… which means he probably has no spirit to begin with – operators are standing by for OLEMISS, the new wonder product for college football teams looking to get over that proverbial hump.

If you’re at all confused, I recommend visiting The Local Voice directly, as TLV guru Newt outdoes himself with the Mike Leach photoshopping. But since most of you are lazy to the point that sitting up is strenuous (and on a Saturday afternoon it might as well be a triathlon), I’ve posted the goodness below.

Due to worsening economic conditions, The Local Voice has opted to lease the space normally reserved for “The Godfrey Show.” In its place is a paid promotional advertisement to help University of Mississippi Athletic Director Pete Boone and his staff secure a final 12th opponent for the Rebels’ 2009 football season.

Now….. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, Please welcome Texas Tech head football coach MIKE LEACH!!!
Read more…

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Jim Calhoun has no problem with Houston Nutt’s salary.

February 22nd, 2009

Far too pricey.

Yesterday in my neck of the woods, I read a blog entry by the Jackson Clarion-Ledger’s editorial director David Hampton bemoaning the size of college football coaching salaries in an entry entitled “Football and priorities.” It’s pretty much what you were expecting – Hampton uses the recent news item that Ole Miss head coach Houston Nutt and his assistants were due substantial pay raises and whips out the trusty reference guide for curmudgeon columnist cliches to contrast Nutt’s salary by mentioning how little science and literature professors make, and oh what a perverted world this is, and the horror of our priorities, and so on, until Hampton could calm himself with warm milk and a Ken Burns documentary.

In a historically poor state such as Mississippi, and in a region as fervent about football as the South, this would seem to be yet another provincial quirk keenly spoken upon by a venerable ink-jockey at the state’s flagship paper, or at least that’s the hokey Rockwell-ish imagery they’d like you to envision. Except yesterday in godforsaken and very much not Southern Storrs, Conneticut, UConn mens basketball head coach Jim Calhoun was asked roughly the same thing in regard to his salary (Calhoun is the highest paid state employee at the UConn, a public university, in the midst of a budget crisis in the state).

So rather than refute Hampton myself, I’ll leave that up to Mr. Calhoun. Oh, and that’s SEVENTEEN MILLION, if you couldn’t wade through his accent.

Oh, man: My inner journalist can’t bear to watch but my outer public relations officer is getting way too aroused. Read more…

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From that angle, you still can’t see Greg Hardy coming

February 18th, 2009

Ole Miss and Florida, through the eyes of the United States Air Force:

Edited to add: Yes, we’re aware this was the 2007 contest and not the affair from this past season, in which Tim Tebow met Shelby County Kryptonite, however the joke just works better our way.

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What did we learn on signing day: Houston Nutt edition.

February 4th, 2009

Pissed off Alabama. See Bobby Massie.

Pissed off Mississippi State and Alabama. See Pat Patterson.

Pissed off Arkansas (before breakfast, and for the 400th day in a row, and for no reason other than being on this Earth).

Took 38 names and landed Ole Miss in another set of national rankings.

Nutt, despite using a vastly inferior dry erase board than Bobby Petrino, seems to have temporarily silenced critics who said he couldn’t recruit.

Who previously said he couldn’t win a big bowl game.

Who previously said he couldn’t “coach up” mediocre talent.

Next?

Godfrey Uncategorized

Biddle shot in hands, bullet dropped

January 23rd, 2009

Former Ole Miss receiver Taye Biddle, he of the are-you-fucking-kidding-me variety of dropped catches in the Rebels’ 2003 Cotton Bowl season that particularly spiced up an early-season loss at Memphis, is recovering after being shot twice in his hometown of Decatur, Alabama.

Irony being a rather wicked marksman, Biddle took one bullet to the leg, and (fatefully) one to his hands. It’s unclear if the shot was made by a Heisman caliber marksman from 50 yards out and delivered in open coverage, but it was no doubt a perfect spiral.

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Viewing Advisory: Ole Miss fans in Tennessee

October 25th, 2008

LOOK! I did reporting!

The Ole Miss / Arkansas game is NOT blacked out in Middle Tennessee. I’ve just spoken with several sources within production who have confirmation that if you live OUTSIDE of the immediate Memphis area in Tennesee, the game will be available on ESPN Gameplan at the 6pm kickoff.

This includes Comcast and DirecTV subscribers. The indivduals I just spoke with are directly in contact with ESPN’s programming team. These are the folks who enact the blackouts across the country.

The game is NOT blacked out in Nashville or anywhere in Alabama. If you live in Mississippi or Arkansas, you will need to order the PPV. If you’re in an outlying area, order ESPN GamePlan but here’s some advice – you can order a single day for $21.95 instead of the full package for $79.95.

HA! Who’s a “has-been” journalist now? I just journalisted all over your face!

The plan set forth in the original official press release still stands (not surprisingly):

OXFORD, Miss. – Ole Miss Sports Properties, a division of TeleSouth Communications, Inc., will pay-per-view the Ole Miss-Arkansas football game, Oct. 25 at 6 p.m. CT at Donald W. Reynolds Stadium in Fayetteville.

The pay-per-view broadcast will be offered to all cable systems in Mississippi and Memphis, and fans should contact their cable and satellite providers for more information.

ESPN Gameplan will black out the telecast in Arkansas, Mississippi and Memphis, Tenn.,
but will have it in outside markets. In those blacked-out areas, residential purchases on DirecTV and Dish Network are by remote, and channel numbers will be announced prior to kickoff.

OK – reporting off. I will now resume eating Grands Cinnamon Rolls, marvelling at Texas Tech’s offense and poking Mark Mangino like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Mmm. Couch.

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